Is it possible to have no-strings sex by having an ex?

Is it possible to have no-strings sex by having an ex?

Dear Roe: I’m nevertheless interested in my ex but I’m perhaps perhaps not trying to find a relationship

Dear Roe,

I’m a man that is 33-year-old I became formerly with a lady for 2 years inside our mid-20s. I moved away, but have recently moved back home after we broke up. My ex and I also have begun chatting over social networking and now we wound up on friends particular date together because of some acquaintances that are mutual. It is not too there was clearly flirting that is excessive such a thing tangible, but we got on great, there was clearly no awkwardness and We nevertheless find her attractive. I understand she’s solitary and I’m wondering if maybe it’s feasible to start out a “no-strings-attached” situation with her? I’m still adjusting to being back and beginning a fresh task therefore I’m perhaps not in search of a relationship now, it is that feasible having an ex? (this might be all presently hypothetical because I don’t know if she’s interested, but We thought i will find out just what i would like before ramping within the flirting etc.)

To begin with, kudos on making the aware choice to find your motivations out before acting. All many times, individuals begin earnestly flirting with, and on occasion even earnestly pursuing, some body before realising they’re perhaps not emotionally prepared or interested, even though understandable and typical, this form that is thoughtless of can occasionally cause confusion or hurt feelings.

The news that is good that, for a few people, intercourse with an ex could be an optimistic experience, and a long way off through the psychological turmoil-fuelled tragedy that numerous handwringing and melodramatic sitcom storylines could have you imagine.

Now – and please be aware that I stated for a lot of, not all the individuals – as with many news that is good you will find caveats.

A present research by Stephanie Spielmann of Wayne State University and posted when you look at the Archives of Sexual Behaviour showed that a lot of individuals who had intercourse with an ex after a breakup would not feel distressed or depressed, nor did it hinder their data data recovery through the relationship. Spielmann describes that the findings declare that “societal handwringing regarding wanting to have sexual intercourse by having an ex may possibly not be warranted,” and argues that people should concentrate our attention from the good reasons individuals wish to have intercourse due to their exes, as opposed to the action it cam live xxx self.

The causes for planning to rest having an ex may have merit – having good intercourse after a break-up is a means of closing the relationship on an optimistic note; having mediocre intercourse can demystify or avoid any idealising of a ex which help you recognise you’re maybe not passing up on much (harsh but real); or it may simply explain any lingering confusion and offer closing.

While that feels like a pass that is free rest along with your exes, Spielmann’s research – as with any studies – needs to analysed to be certainly comprehended. It inherently focuses on people who did not write off sex with an ex as in inconceivable or truly terrible idea not worthy of exploring as it explored the feelings of those who had slept with an ex. Moreover it implies that the participants’ exes had also weighed within the dangers or asleep together and deemed it an event worth trying, at the least. So needless to say the end result are likely to skew more good than in cases where a selection that is random of had ignored their gut instincts and slept together within the name of technology.

Which means that we must have a look at your position, the causes you intend to have intercourse together with your ex, together with feasible dangers.

You don’t enter information regarding the break-up, that is demonstrably likely to be a determining factor that is major. In the event that break-up ended up being complicated, or terrible for the ex, or in the event that you left her whenever she ended up being nevertheless utterly in deep love with you, it is much less likely that intercourse between you two is ever going to be certainly casual. Nonetheless, in the event that break-up ended up being fairly shared, determined by outside facets such you may well be in luck as you moving away, or just ended with a decent amount of shared respect for each other. The very fact which you drifted aside following the break-up for some worries additionally bodes well, since it’s more most likely which you’ve both separately grown as people and accomplished the psychological distance required to keep intercourse fairly simple. If exes remain close or have intertwining lives, it is much more likely that intercourse with reignite some nostalgia or feeling that may show confusing.

But once again, i need to rain on your own parade right here. All this logic, as well as Spielmann’s research, centers on having a one-night-strand with an ex – perhaps not having the extended situation that is no-strings-attached appear to desire. You had a relationship that is serious this individual. Those are strings, Pinocchio. While you also appear to have a provided social life in a few capability, the possibility for psychological problems is significantly greater, while you could see each other more while the fall-out from any complications might be greater.

Provided in some way that you could be focusing your energy on finding a new person to have some causal fun with, someone who could offer a genuinely no-strings-attached situation, I have to wonder if you are being completely honest with yourself , and subconsciously do have a desire to rekindle something with your ex – out of desire, nostalgia, laziness, or maybe even some lingering resentment, in that you know this situation could end up hurting her.

Choose another person for many fun that is casual you’re clearer on your own emotions and hers. Intercourse with an ex could be good. Being a great, thoughtful, considerate and drama-free ex? Better still.

Concentrate on that.

Roe McDermott is a fulbright and writer scholar by having an MA in sex studies from san francisco bay area State University. This woman is researching a PhD in gendered and sexual citizenship at the Open University and Oxford.

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